Last entry

Unfortunately, I have some bad news.  Saturday night we lost the baby. I was sitting at home, feeling kind of gross and uncomfortable, which was par for the course, when the discomfort became pain. Pain like I've never felt before. We went to women's hospital where luckily they have an obstetrical triage and we didn't have to go to the ER. Within about 45 minutes I had delivered. Baby was 16 weeks 4 days and had some rare defect which translates to mermaid baby. From the belly button down, baby wasn't developing-legs were fused together and no kidneys. There's no way baby could have survived. Apparently this condition is a 1 in 60,000 to 1 in 100,000 chance of this happening and it usually happens in insulin dependent diabetics so it was really a freak accident that it happened to us.

 

We got a keepsake box that we haven't looked at yet, but it has hand prints and a plaster cast of hands or feet (can't remember) pictures of baby and the blanket baby was wrapped in. They're doing testing to see if it was a boy or girl, but I still think girl. She had my nose. I couldn't get over it. My exact nose on that tiny little baby.  To all those abortion nuts who say a fetus isn't a life, I  have a great argument  for them now. At 16 weeks I could recognize features from me or my b/f on that tiny little life so they can all go suck it.

 

It's been a very difficult few days. One minute we're fine, the next sobbing and clinging to each other. I didn't sleep for 3 days and now feel like I got hit by a truck. I have a follow up with the doctor this afternoon so I'll see if I can get something to sleep.

 

One day soon we'll open our keepsake box and say goodbye to our little angel.

today's ultrasound

Everything is basically still the same. fluid is still low but heartrate is still good.

I go back in a month and if they have to, they'll inject fluid so they can at least get a good picture of things.

He told me he was certain I would have miscarried by now so I think we've already had a little miracle.

I hate my brain!

It's been awhile. I've been too busy drinking litres and litres of water. Minimum of 4 litres a day actually. That's double what you're supposed to drink. It's not easy and there's been a lot of peeing going on the last two weeks. Tomorrow is the 2 week ultrasound. It's 2 weeks ago tomorrow that they told me that I was going to lose my baby. The plan is to prove them horribly, horribly wrong. I've been in good spirits the last couple of weeks, kind of a "fuck you" attitude to the doctor. I'll show him boy! Well, apparently my subconscious is a lot more worried than I've been letting on. Last night I must have been dreaming horrible dreams because I kept waking up thinking that I was bleeding heavily and miscarrying. As far as I can tell everything is still ok. I sure feel pregnant. My breasts are tender, my stomach is all twitchy (which apparently is the baby moving), I have constipation and on the weekend a touch of vertigo. My gag reflex has gone crazy, brushing my teeth in the morning is quite the chore and certain foods are totally turning me off. So, logically I know in my heart that I'm still pregnant, but I am still so worried.  I can only imagine what tonight's dreams will bring. Oi!

Positive today

I'm feeling pretty good today. Other than having a horrible cold that is. I drank over 5 litres of water yesterday and am already at 1 this morning. Still some bleeding but since I'm planning on defying the odds, I'm not worrying. I'm not a very religious person but I've said some prayers and I know other are too and I think that all of this is going to work out ok.  A friend of mine was told she had miscarried and her daughter is now 9 or something so doctors are all idiots and can't tell me what's going to happen. In fact, they gave me no ideas of what I could do and when I found this water idea online, I actually found a couple of studies that showed positive results. So, screw 'em all. My baby is going to be just fine!

Fetal Assessment appointment yesterday

Well, I said the good, the bad and the ugly, so here comes ugly.

I was referred to fetal assessment because of a possible cyst on the baby's pelvis. That wasn't visible. Yay. But after 4 people ultrasounding me, and nearly 2 hours, they all come in to tell me that there's hardly any amniotic fluid around the baby and it's likely that I will miscarry. The way they worded it was even more definite than that but I'm not going there. I started bawling and totally freaking out. I mean, this is probably my only shot and to lose this baby will devastate me and my b/f.

I came home and immediately got on the computer looking things up. Apparently that drinking tons and tons and tons of water can increase the levels of amniotic fluid, especially since that's mostly what it's made up of at this point.  There was also something about lying on your left side, which sounds ridiculous, but I'm willing to try it.

So, I'm trying to convince myself that in two weeks, not only will I not have miscarried, but my fluid levels will be back up and my baby will be jumping around like crazy again.

I appreciate in advance the thoughts and good wishes I'll get from my friends who read this, but could you hold off on them for a couple of days please? I'm going to have a hard enough time keeping it together at work today. Love you guys.

Can't help being terrified

Every time I get an ultrasound or see a doctor, they all tell me that everything's fine. Even with the bleeding, everything's fine. It's hard to believe them. On Wednesday this week I had 10 whole minutes of happiness when I realized the bleeding had stopped. Then the phone rang and it was one of the ER doctors telling me there was a potential abnormality on my recent ultrasound. A potential abnormality???  What the fuck does that mean?!?!  They said it looks like a cyst on the baby's pelvis. I of course got right on the Internet and apparently they're very specific about using the word cyst over tumor or something else. A cyst apparently will disappear on it's own 9 times out of 10, but still. One more damn thing to worry about. Then of course the bleeding started again. Then stopped again. Then started again. In all the reading I've done, nothing talks about the bleeding starting and stopping. I'm almost 13 weeks now and things are supposed to be getting easier but I spend most of my time worrying and/or crying.

My b/f's ex girlfriend got pregnant twice, ectopic pregnancies both times. He was devastated. I was his best friend back then and know what he went through. He's never really gotten over losing those babies. He's always wanted to be a father and we never thought I'd get pregnant. It took over 2 years to conceive this baby and I can't even imagine what it would do to him if I lost this one. Or what it would do to me. If I lose this baby, I don't know if I could go through this again. I know I'll feel better after this week's appointments but it's just so hard.

Baby names

Here is a list of baby "names" my boss gave to me. He thinks I'll use one and pay him royalties. NOT!!!

Anyway / Arborio
Basmati / Buckminster / Bill.I.Am
Caligula / Cappicola
D’ee L’ite / D’ee G’roovy /dSquared2
Efron / Eveready
Fundy / Frotteur
Glamourman / Gaultier
Hamilcar / Handy
Illoquint / Idaman
Jamajesty / Jasmineson / Jarjar
Klepto / Kookoo Kokopuff
Llama / Leviosa / Lacroix
Morrissey / Megatron
Nebuchadnezzar / Nifty Nat
Onan / Oblahdi
Pagoda-Dakota / Pfennig-Pfeiffer
Q*bert / Qball / Qbit
Rockin’ Ron / Raysdaruuf
Sobriquet / Shocker / Spice
Track / Toque / Tito
Ululate / Ümläüt
Veni Vidi Vici / Vanquisher / Vwlssck
Wuhwuhwilomena / WallaWalla
Xenu / Xebra
Youdahoe / Yoda / Yangtze
Zanzibar / Ziggurat

ultrasound results

The baby is fine!!!  Normal growth, jumping around like crazy in there!  Whew! So relieved!!!!

IT also looks like the bleeding is starting to clot, so I go back in a week for a follow up.  4 ultrasounds in my first trimester....I'm finally getting my money's worth from our health system!

Ultrasound today

Even though I've been reassured that everything is fine, my stomach is in knots waiting for this test in just over an hour. I'm still bleeding, it's only stopped briefly here and there since Dec 24th. I'm scared. I want this baby so bad and I'm so terrified that I'm going to get bad news. There's no rational reason for it, I'm just a worst case scenario type of person. The universe has been known to use me as a punching bag.

Doctor's appointment

I had my first OB/GYN visit yesterday and I feel much more reassured now. I have a follow up ultrasound Friday and once that's done I think I'll actually be able to relax and look forward to things. I know my mom's been looking at baby stuff already, the crazy woman. The sense I left the doctor's office with was that if the worst was going to happen it would have happened and that everything should be ok. She even thought I should be able to breast feed, which after 2 breast surgeries, is a bit of a surprise. I really liked the doctor and feel very at ease with her so I'm glad I got a good one!  Unfortunately, she's at Women's at HSC, which is a DUMP, but what can you do?  My next big decision is to get the test if the baby might have down syndrome. Now, the operative word in that sentence is MIGHT. They can't tell you definitatively and you spend the next 6 months worrying that there's a 1 in 500 or 1 in 600 chance that your baby might have down syndrome. I don't need that stress.

Feeling Better

Yesterday I actually felt better. I wasn't too sore, I had energy, didn't want to just sleep and sleep and sleep. Then of course I started thinking that something was wrong. I have no reason to believe that, but things have been a little stressful so far. I'm not quite as good today but definitely better than I have been. I was going to go do some errands, but I took the dog out for a walk first and he annoyed me to no end so I came home, put my jammies back on and am on the couch. Maybe when it warms up in a couple of hours.

Back to work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. I've had lots of days off the last 3 weeks and being back full time will be hard. I also have lots of medical appointments this week. Baby doctor on Tuesday, splint fitting on Thursday and follow up ultrasound on Friday. It's going to be a busy, busy week. I also really need to get this house cleaned up a little. My boyfriend has been great about helping me and doing stuff for me but cleaning has fallen to the way-side. If I just shaved the cats it wouldn't be as big a problem, but I don't think they'd sit still for that!

Happy New Year

Well, it's 2011. The year my baby will be born and I will become a mother. A very long time ago, when I was about 16, my mother told me that if I ever got pregnant she'd keep it and raise it as her own. Then about 5 years later, when I was actually sexually active, she said forget it, she was too old! I guess she'd think she was too old now!

Yesterday was a really rough day. I was tired and sore and cranky and irritable. My boobs are sore, my back is killing me, I'm super tired...etc. I went to bed around 9:30 because I was so beside myself I didn't know what else to do. I woke up around 11:30 so I actually saw in the new year for the first time in years.

I feel better today somehow. Not fantastic, but definitely better. I've napped this morning and had the dog out for a walk and I don't feel like jumping off the roof, so that's a definite step up. Hopefully by the time I go back to work Tuesday I'll feel much better because I don't think I can miss much more time.